


I don't mean to runaway

by Ariasune



Category: Pocket Monsters | Pokemon - All Media Types, Pocket Monsters: Gold & Silver & Crystal | Pokemon Gold Silver Crystal Versions
Genre: Gen, Gender AU, Trans Character, Trans Female Character, Trans Silver
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-16
Updated: 2020-04-16
Packaged: 2021-03-02 05:33:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,857
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23679949
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ariasune/pseuds/Ariasune
Summary: In the dream she was a girl.She dreams that same dream every night that week.
Comments: 8
Kudos: 33





	I don't mean to runaway

# PREFACE

Born scandalously amidst the tidy, and discreet takeover of Celadon's casino, Silvio was by nature, an indiscretion on Giovanni's part. The mother - a bold matter of speculation - was emphatically **not** Ariana, an official stance that grew more disingenuous with Silvio's hair.

In spite of Silvio's awkward, even ungainly existence, Silvio **was** Giovanni's eldest son, and thus eventual successor to the considerable reach of Team Rocket, and perhaps Viridian Gym. A lonely, uncompromising childhood followed. Taught in isolation, moved from city to city with Giovanni's work, Silvio was used to seeing almost nothing of Giovanni himself from a young age and soon grew into a bored, icy child.

It would come of little surprise when Silvio left. The fall of the Empire, and the disappearance of Giovanni not withstanding, Silvio had become uncontrollable. Prone to spiteful, and cruel behaviour, Silvio took a nasty delight in breaking into Giovanni's facilities -- Celadon, to Sevii Islands. Though Silvio stayed within Archer, and Ariana's influence **barely** as they sought to locate the missing Rocket Leader.

Upon Silvio's initial absence, there was a presumption that Silvio would return within a few days-- not an uncommon occurrence --and by the time those days had lapsed into weeks, Silvio was long gone from Kanto.

# PART I

Silvio is seven years old, awake and panting in the darkness. Heart a frightened bird in the chest, a moth batting against the ribcage. Sick to the stomach, and shaking with shame. Feeling caught, like Silvio has been caught doing the worst thing in the world, a crime.

This is not the first time **she** has had this dream, but it is the first thing she can remember knowing: wanting the dream to come back. Longing for it, guilt-ridden.

In the dream she was a girl.

She dreams that same dream every night that week.

* * *

Silvio is eight, and she dreams in colour. Her dress is blue, a little too neat for her tastes, but something Giovanni won't object to. Which is a little joke, because the guilt is there, still intertwined with the longing. Which is a big joke, because Giovanni has spoken to Silvio twice this month, and wants Silvio to have a haircut.

Silvio's pajamas have a little pocket-square, with loopy initials stitched into it. They're cuffed, and neat. A little gentleman.

* * *

Silvio is nine, and flowers grow wild all over Celadon. She's not meant to keep them in her room, too much pollen, but she gathers a fistful in the garden. It takes some time, and some thought, but she manages to rip, and force them into a coronet. There are grass-stains on her shorts, and petals haphazardly torn up all around her, but she has a **crown**.

She sets it on her head, watching herself in the mirror. Her hair is short, trimmed to the nape of her neck, and there's dirt on her face. There's a boy staring back at her, dark-eyed, and awkward looking.

Throwing the flowers to the ground, she grinds them into the floor under her foot, face twisted up furiously.

* * *

Silvio is ten, and her father is gone. She's told over breakfast, and barely looks up from her miso. She likes watching it settle, water turning clear when left alone.

 **"Your father is gone."** It's repeated like she didn't hear it the first time.

 **"Then hardly anything has changed,"** she says tartly.

They move her to a safe house the next week. She meets Archer then, who looks down at her, so she looks down her nose at him. Whatever he's looking for in her, he apparently can't find because he turns away from her, bent over a desk and silent.

If Archer was looking for her father, he will be left looking a long-time. Whether he looks in Silvio, or looks in Kanto, or Johto.

He asks her to sign something, and she rips it in six pieces in front of him with childish defiance. This, as it turns out, defines their relationship.

# PART II

It's not really any of their business, but she tells Archer, Ariana and Proton, in clipped tones that her name isn't Silvio. It's Silver.

Her heart is a frantic thing again, sick and tugging at her chest, but they simply nod, absently. Distractedly. Tell her the mission is none of her business.

Silver's hair is down to her shoulders, curling at the tips. Neither name, nor hair invites argument, but the truth-- the one she's always known, the first thing she remembers really knowing --remains unspoken, and the bitterness grows angry in her chest.

Her name is Silver, and **nothing** has changed.

* * *

Silver is eleven, and **nothing** has changed.

She is dismissed, there isn't even anything to fight against. For the first time in a year, she misses her father. If he were here, there would be someone to stand against. An image of herself-- the boy, scruffy, dirt on his face and flowers in his hair --to strike down.

In her father's absence, Silver breaks into the Rocket facility in Saffron.

The Admins notice this. Archer critiques her across a desk, hands steepled, trying to reason with her. She lets it glance off her, and breaks into Vermillion as well.

# PART III

Silver is thirteen, fourteen, wavering hopelessly between the two. She is bored, she is bored like a cat that has wrecked up a scratching post but has **nothing** to fill the gap. The Rockets assigned to guard her hate her, and she hates them.

She wants a pokémon. She wants **anything else**. She wants acknowledgement, thirsty for strength, for power, for choice. Silver's been tossed around city to city, watching as Archer has taken everything -- paperwork, or no paperwork, Giovanni isn't here.

She stopped feeling safe in the safehouses three years ago, and it feels like the only thing between her, and being quietly carried off in the night is the lightest technicality.

Silver stands, bag held loosely in her hand, staring up at her safehouse in Saffron.

She feels weak looking at it. Bitter standing before it. Hateful, and angst-ridden being here.

She doesn't go back. Not this time.

Slowly, Silver turns, and walks towards the train station.

# PART IV

Silver is fourteen, and she knows the best place to get Pokémon anywhere, is with a Regional Professor. They've got tons of them. Dozens of them. Strong, three-evolution, elemental starters that can tear up the competition for miles.

She's a smart girl, so she very smartly throws a rock through the upstairs window. The ball is tight in her hands, but she doesn't **care**. She fights Elm's prodigies. One of them has the weaker pokémon, another has the advantage, but Silver doesn't **care** , her _totodile_ is going to be stronger, going to be better, she'll show them.

This, as it turns out, isn't true.

* * *

Yes, Charybydis makes short work of Falkner, and Bugsy, even Sprout Tower which had felt **very** optional. But that's small things. They're the first two gyms, not the last two. More importantly, Silver meets one of Elm's prodigies as she works through Ilex doggedly, then another, another, and she loses to each, and every one of them.

By the end of the third match, Charybydis is exhausted, staring at Silver dead-eyed, teeth chipped from the last fight.

It's a familiar stare, Silver's seen it in the mirror a million times: Charybydis hates her.

* * *

Her starter hates her, but- but it is what it is. Silver takes it as well as she takes anything else. Doggedly. Hanging on for dear life.

She tells the other girls-- Lyra, Kris --they're stupid, and cuts her hair to her jaw to try and feel stronger. All it makes her is miserable, like she's betraying that girl in the blue dress, and Charybydis loses a dozen teeth in battle that week.

 **"What am I even doing?"** she finally asks herself, and Charybydis growls at her from the other side of their camp.

# PART V

Archer shows up, and Silver feels like she's been ripped into six pieces. Lance - whoever the **fuck** that is - shows up, and rips her up a little more.

It is, however, the very first time Charybydis has let Silver touch her since she was a newly-stolen totodile.

She leaves Mahogany in a daze, heading north to the Lake of Rage. The waters are placid without the gyarados tearing it up -- settling, when you leave them alone. It's a nice day, bright and sunny, and Silver lets her team out, not even for battle.

She's staring out into the water, dead-eyed, defeated, and Charybydis sniffs her hair. It's growing out at the back of her neck, curling at the tips. Slowly, she turns her head, black eyes meeting the red of her Croconaw. They watch each other for a long time, before Charybydis turns away. Silver stares mutely as Charybydis springs into the water, stirring it up as she does so.

# PART VI

Silver has to fight Lance - whoever the **fuck** he is - again. She can't even explain it to herself. She just knows if she can beat him, something will be fixed inside of her. It feels like flowers ground under your foot.

Petrel tells her, a strange meeting in Goldenrod's Underground, that Lance knew her father. Of the three admins, Silver had liked him the least, but there is something under the fool that she glimpses for once.

Her father didn't promote just anyone.

First things first, she has to take down Team Rocket.

* * *

Charybydis stands between her and Ariana. Full-grown, she is an imposing thing, mouth filled with broken teeth and **roaring** hatefully. The murkrow in front of her wilts before the Feraligatr, and Silver has never felt understood in her life-- but here, she thinks she's starting to understand Charys.

Afterwards, Silver presses her hand against Charys' flank. The Feraligatr twists her head back sharply, and huffs out. Slow, low, steady.

 **"That was my mother,"** she tells Charys.

Charys' stare is dismissive, cool, impressive and slowly, steady despite the bite-marks on Silver's hand, she reaches out to scratch her partner's muzzle. Charys' eyes lid, close, and then she pulls away.

By now, Silver has long been resigned to the fact Ariana is probably her mother. She's not stupid.

* * *

**The definition of stupidity is doing the same thing over, and over again, and expecting a different result.**

That's how Silver feels losing again. She balls her fists up and stares at Elm's **teacher's pet** , and grinds her teeth. She can't imagine being under anyone's thumb, without being blotted out.

There are teeth all over the floor. Charys' had taken a strike straight to her snout, reared back with a bloody snort and howl. They glimmer, and crunch under Silver's shoes as she walks away.

# PART VII

 **Charys is not a sweet creature,** Silver realizes. Though she's known it for awhile.

The younger haircut brother almost loses a few fingers, and finally it takes both brothers -- and a shitton of p-yen -- to get Charys cleaned up. They even try having Silver **calm** the Feraligatr, but Charys snaps, and snarls, and throws heavy swipes around at them all.

 **"Your Feraligatr's pretty fucked up,"** the eldest brother tells her in no uncertain terms.

Silver just shrugs. **"Yeah. Well,"** because of course Charys is a fucking bitch. She's the monster Silver's made her to be, needed her to be, and even wants her to be.

 **"Kid, I'm not messing around here. Your pokémon is out of control. She's gonna end up hurting someone. You, probably."** The Groomer is speaking slowly and firmly, like Silver didn't hear him the first time. **"Whatever you've been doing for training is ruining that poor beast."**

Charys is still stalking up and down the underground, screaming at anyone who comes near her. Which is nobody. Everyone's keeping far away from the wild Feraligatr they just saw total a crate. Beast. Right.

She remembers the bold, lively Totodile that first popped out of the ball. The way Charybydis used to chew on sticks as she teethed, and chased her tail before dinner.

The Haircut brother is looking at her, but Silver looks down, not making eye-contact. **"Pretty sure I've ruined her already,"** she says softly.

Silver is almost sixteen, and the haircut brother sets a hand on her shoulder. He sounds nice, gentle if reprimanding. **"Hey, it's never too late to come back from this."**

It is a nice thought.

* * *

The training changes a little. Silver is more giving with potions, and ethers, and twice a week, Silver drags Charys in for her "haircut". The younger brother always looks a little reluctant, and as supportive as his brother is, Silver is spending all her money on this.

But, even as she spends money, Charys gets stronger. Outgrows two skins in a few months, shedding off scars and not picking up new ones. It's when she's getting her teeth brushed, which is as dangerous as ever, that Silver realizes the new teeth are mostly in good condition.

She doesn't know what she's training for. Lance, maybe. She's researched him, turns out he comes from Blackthorn, and pretty much runs the League. Knowing that makes her feel better about losing to him, worse about what he said to her face, and even worse about losing to Elm's students.

* * *

Silver knows it's time when Charys tolerates the elder brother clipping her nails, growling and complaining the entire time, but letting Silver hold her large hand up, and each tip get trimmed down. Silver feels ready.

She feels ready, and when she meets Charys' eyes, Charys looks ready too.

 **"Wanna check out Victory Road?"** she asks, and Charys' teeth glitter in a grin.

# PART VIII

The loss doesn't sting as hard this time, but Silver feels like crap, rubbing Charys' jaw gently under her fingers. The massage is meant to help her grow new teeth, but Charys' snarl is still cock-eyed, teeth missing from their posts like shitty-ass sentries.

Charys' head is heavy in her lap, eyes lidding and closing. She moves only once to try to dislodge a wobbling tooth. Worrying it with a claw, Charys gives a noisy sound of disgust, and finally opens her mouth.

At first, Silver isn't sure what's happening. Her Feraligatr is staring up at her, mouth open like a hooked magikarp, waiting patiently for--

 **"Oh!"** Silver starts, and with her fingers trembling, curls them around the tooth.

It feels weird.

 **"...ready?"** Silver should probably warn her partner. At least, if Silver likes her fingers.

She breathes in, and pulls the tooth.

Charys doesn't like it. She wails about it, snarling and squawking, but her mouth stays open until Silver's hand is free, dropping the tooth onto the ground.

They watch each other, and Silver leans forward. Instinctively, abruptly wrapping her arms around the lethal, dangerous head of her Feraligatr. She's still shaking, as she tells Charys the first thing she's ever known: **"I'm a girl."**

* * *

Pokémon are pretty smart, but gender is a nuance that probably doesn't mean much to several tonnes of blue reptile. Still, it feels good to finally get that off her chest. Charys doesn't react any differently to her, although she tolerates Silver's hug at the time. Pokémon are pretty smart; they can tell what you need.

Somewhere in leaving Victory Road, Silver makes the decision to return to Kanto. She's not as smart as Charys, but she can tell what she needs.

* * *

They battle Elm's students in Kanto, but more importantly, they battle the Elite Four. Her team is in good shape, well-rested, and strong, and when Lance beats her, Silver barely feels bad at all.

Charys is irritated, tail lashing as Silver checks her teeth. She's halfway through pulling a loose one out as gently as possible, when Lance clears his throat.

Silver had forgotten he was even goddamn there. What is he doing there? She lost. She turns to look at him with a bewildered expression.

 **"Have you ever been to the Dragon's Den?"** he asks her, and it's not a question.

Silver had never managed to get a Rising Badge, so she shakes her head dimly. There's a reason she's using her Kanto set to challenge the Elite.

**"Would you like to?"**

* * *

She doesn't like the Elders - they never tell her anything - and both Lance and Clair are pretty insufferable sometimes, but Charys takes to the den eagerly. The water is clear, and cool, and the Feraligatr turns and spins and chases her tail in the water.

She sheds her skin again, growing longer and putting on more weight. Vesper evolves into a Crobat. When Elm's assistant asks her for a battle, Silver shocks herself when she says no--

 **"We were in the middle of training,"** she argues, and explains to the other gym members. Clair is smirking out of the corner of her eye, and Silver reminds herself that she's here so they can all grow.

# PART IX

She loses again, but it feels less like another chain in a circle of failure. Silver even manages to call out an embarrassed, mean-sounding, **"Try not to lose!"**

That total failure to say **good luck** , feels way worse than losing this time around.


End file.
